hello hsienjun. where art thou?

hi world. i feel so... shitty these days. its just sleep sleep and sleep. so tired... if there is a god, let him help me out thru this. ive no idea how im gonna carry on this life. its boring, mundane, routine... wadeva... stuff that isnt to my liking. heng got frenz in sch to share that burden... its like... where has all the enthusiasm gone to... im just a living corpse. nothing in my life to spice things up... where has all the motivation gone to? i dunno but studies just doesnt seem viable... it doesnt even cross me mind... im just like a carefree guy who lives each day as it passes, and yet i feel so troubled... its me conscience. i noe all this is not good and it means things arent going as they shd be, in the right direction. i noe i haf to stop it. but the escapist mentality just hits me and i just wander off into another realm. am i really that lazy. argh... i tell myself i can do it. i tell myself miracles happen... but in actual fact... i was just lucky. i guess. the 99% hard work still has to be put in. and i wonder when... i think im at 1% work... at least sometimes i bother to copy. wow i havent been so negative in a long time. i just woke up from a 1.5 hr nap... and am having a headache. sometimes in life u just need some nice things to cheer u up. such things are people. friends. and the stuff u like. i try to socialise more often. haiz. i guess i juz need to haf a goood long talk with someone. maybe mom? friends? teachers? even the principle. why not. im open to anything, anyone. maybe its the just-wake up pessimistic mood... yep. but this is basically wads bugging me. i need to destress from stressing myeslf out. lol.

ok aside from self-pity... today gp we discussed about war and all that. ive been watching a series of war shows including 'we were soldiers', 'life is beautiful', and 'black hawk down'. they remind me of another 2 movies ive watched: 'tears of the sun', and 'the pianist'. i particularly like war shows because they touch something sensitive within us. it can make us cry. its so scary to think that here u are in a safe country enjoying life everyday, when in other countries, people are dying every moment. those horrible graphic scenes of people dying in gruesome pain just makes u cringe. we know too little of the harshness of war... we are too pampered... those soldiers out there... u rock. its so saddening to see that the soldiers have families waiting for them to return safely, and when they die... they say things like 'look after my daughter for me.' sobs. another thing i liked was the phrase 'nobody is to be left behind'. it really shows the huge friendship and teamwork bond in times of crisis and danger. everyone watches each others back, regardless of skin colour. everyone works together as a team, never alone. yea... thats war. bitter.

seen the principle 2 times. today forgot to see him at 12.15. haf to go cut hair again. sian. i dunno... but i somehow look diff. haha must be i eat too much liao. oh well... one has no time to care about looks anymore when he is so tired out. i need a break. oh heavenly march holidays i worship u. ... the heat wave is ending. oh glorious rain. ur finally here. had a nice talk with gayle in nexus today. nice talks are fun. esp when nice things are discussed that really is 'food' for thought. or rather, though provoking. oh well. o cindy and hwee sian came back today to watch soccer match. yup. me and sky were there till like 6 pm. so hot and tired ... :( but had fun talking though. im lost. i haf to find myself. im floundering in the sea of ... of.... of........?! of wad?! i dunno. not love. not hate. im so... dead... but yet im not coz i can become lively again. ahh. i think i shdnt think so much. i go sleep again le. cya.